Expectations

Living up to people's expectations can be exhausting. Sometimes I wouldn't mind being labeled as "crazy" by a psychiatrist so that I could behave like I'd like to behave. People would just claim that I'm crazy and wouldn't think any less or more of me. I was reading "Veronika Decides to Die" by Paulo Coelho which describes the crazy folks scenario. Veronika acts on instinct and will without hesitation, at least towards the end of the story. Real life isn't so. It isn't ok for a mother to crave a break from her child. It isn't ok to want to remain in bed an entire day when there's a child in need of attention. It isn't ok to act promiscuous when you've claimed to be happily married. No one talks about the trials of marriage and how difficult it is to maintain a happy facade. I have to pretend to be the perfect wife, the amazing mother, the favorite daughter and best friend. Well, I'm done pretending. I am none of those things. I have moments of failure, fatigue and regret. I have moments that appear successful and yet I remain unhappy.

Just the other day, I received a certificate of appreciation for work well done and had my 1 minute of glory. Did that make my day? No, it only reminded me that there's no one who'd be proud of me when I came home. My estranged spouse, Ernie, is interested in other women so why share this grain of success with him? I always expected to marry a man who would respect, honor, cherish and grow with me. I expected to marry a man who would be interested in who I was and in who I was going to become. I expected to marry a man that saw me as an equal and held me in high regard. Instead, I married the father I never had. I married a condescending man with arrogant ways. I married a man whom when asked what his wife did would respond, "My wife is a career student." A man, who only stepped ground at the university I attended ONCE only to pick up our son. I married a man who turned and said to me one day, "I like that I can control you. I can tell you what to do and you'll do it." I married a man who gave me hell when it was time for me to purchase my monthly tampons/pads because I had to use HIS money. I married a man who assumed he was better than me because he had a full time job. It never mattered that I was a full-time student, freelancing from home, a mother and homemaker.

Oh! And need I forget, I married a man who's word I clung to until it was revealed that he'd had a 2nd wife and I was the 3rd. The same man who constantly claimed never to have time or money to have a girlfriend on the side, had been in a relationship with at least one other woman during our marriage. I say, at least, because now I believe there were others. Which in reality, I don't understand since he wasn't fond of any type of foreplay much less initiate anything in the bedroom. I married a man who would only respond, "Busy" when I'd ask about his day. I married a man who showed little if any interest in who I was. I married a man whom as I was attempting a conversation with would walk out of the room. I married a man who put football and beer before his wife and son. I thought I'd married a man who'd resolved to do better with marriage. I thought I'd married a man who'd love and care for me. Instead, I married a man I never truly knew.

Thank God for divorce!

Training wheels are off!

After about a year of letting his bike gather dust outside, I turned and asked my lil guy if he'd tried riding his bike. He shook his head and I proceeded to dust his bike's seat. His dad put air in the tires and he began his first attempt at riding a bike without training wheels. I held onto the back of his seat and gave him a nudge. He took hold of the handlebars and rode through the backyard calling, "Mom, are you still holding me?? Are you?" I wasn't. He got the hang of it on his first try and I was choked up. After riding around the grass in the backyard, he said he was ready to go on the pavement. We headed over to the front and ran alongside him as he became more and more familiar with riding. He gave me a work out! And then, he lost control and rode too close to the neighbor's wall. He rubbed his leg across the wall and the riding moment was over. The tears began to spill over but I continued to have a wide grin. My lil guy can ride a bike! :) :)

Trapped in my own backyard

I came across an e-mail that stated the idea of having a meeting in "your own backyard". Basically it means that this meeting is located in the same town that this individual lives in. As I do most days, I analyzed and broke apart the idea of El Paso, TX being MY backyard. My mind drifted to images of a dog trapped in his owner's backyard. In fact, I began to picture my own dog, Brina. I saw her running back and forth across the yard waiting for me to get home so that I can let her into the house. I pictured her sitting at the fence longing to see something or someone different as the hours go on. Then I thought about the rare moments she gets to leave the backyard to go on walks or trips in the car. My point is, I feel like my dog, trapped in my own backyard. My heart races when I get to travel outside the fence. It reminded me of how excited Brina gets when she hears the clinking of her tags on her dog collar indicating she's going for a rarely given walk. It seems that no matter how loud I bark, I'm stuck in my backyard. I could go on and on about the ill feelings I have about living in El Paso, but I'll save that for another day.

How do you see to find your glasses without your glasses on to see?

I grew up listening to a tape recording of "What's the Matter Nannybird?" by Peter & Hanneke Jacobsoff. It was cassette tape recorded for me by my Tia, Pat. I can still picture the handwritten title in red ink directly placed onto the label of the tape. In short, it is a Christian Children's story about the way God reveals Himself in mysterious ways. Nannybird, literally a bird, loses her glasses and goes through the entire story looking for them with help from friends. From time to time I recite to myself as Nannybird did, "How do you find your glasses without your glasses on to see?" It amazes me, that after all of these years (roughly 20 yrs), I can still hear Nannybird squawk something about trying to find her glasses. The line makes tons of sense to me since I am not only near-sighted, but have astigmatism and wear glasses. My world is a blur without these babies. I constantly have to repeat to others that what ever it is they urgently need me to see, needs to wait until I find my glasses. If by some bizarre reason (eh hem... like wearing contacts) I've misplaced my glasses, then I have a tremendously difficult time finding something I can't see. I fondly recall the story and have searched for it in my stash of old cassette tapes. Needless to say, I haven't been able to locate it. I think my son would enjoy listening to the story over one of our road trips. If anyone knows where I can find a copy, drop me a line! ;o)

And so it begins...

Once upon a time, a west Texas girl decided to blog. I'm not sure what this blog will unravel but here it goes....